Windsor Castle: Royal Drama, Ghostly Dungeons, and a Dollhouse with Plumbing

Windsor Castle is the kind of place that could make your local stately home feel like a glorified garden shed. Grand, ancient, and inexplicably immune to the laws of modern property taxation, it’s been quietly lording it over the Berkshire countryside since the days when people thought bathing was suspicious and the only cure for a headache was leeches. If you’ve ever wondered what makes Windsor Castle such a big deal, beyond the obvious medieval glamour and royal gossip potential, allow me to spill the regal tea.

First things first, it’s not just a castle. It’s the castle. Windsor Castle is the oldest and largest occupied castle in the world. That’s right — it’s still very much a functioning royal residence. It’s where the King might casually spend his weekends while you spend yours trying to get ketchup stains out of your duvet cover.

The place has been continuously inhabited for over 900 years. Imagine the plumbing. It was originally built by William the Conqueror in the 11th century, mainly to remind the Saxons who was boss. Over the centuries, it’s become a kind of architectural patchwork quilt — Norman motte-and-bailey at its base, Georgian tweaks, Victorian add-ons, and enough chandeliers to bankrupt a small country.

Windsor Castle is where the Queen spent most of the Covid lockdown. While the rest of us were having Zoom meltdowns in tracksuit bottoms, Her Majesty was socially distancing in 13 acres of castle grounds. Because of course.

It’s also the spiritual home of the Order of the Garter, which sounds like an Elizabethan punk band but is actually the most senior order of knighthood in Britain. Members include royals, aristocrats, and the occasional VIP who’s done something terribly distinguished, like saving the Commonwealth or inventing a nice cheese.

St George’s Chapel, within the grounds, is the royal family’s go-to place for major life events. You know, weddings, funerals, and those complicated public moments where hats are mandatory. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle got married there in 2018, before everything got a bit Netflix.

Oh, and a few feet below St George’s Chapel lies the royal vault. That’s where King George VI, Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother, and Queen Elizabeth II herself now rest. Not so much a family tomb as a very exclusive underground club with extremely strict membership.

Then there’s the fire. In 1992 — the Queen’s so-called “annus horribilis” — Windsor Castle went up in flames after a curtain caught fire in the Private Chapel. The blaze raged for 15 hours and destroyed over 100 rooms. Restoration took five years and cost millions. In case you’re wondering, no, she didn’t use GoFundMe.

Despite its lofty status, Windsor Castle has always had a practical side. It was fortified during the English Civil War. It served as a command post during the Second World War. The young Princesses Elizabeth and Margaret even slept in the dungeons to avoid the Luftwaffe. Bit different from our childhood bunk beds.

The castle has its own Changing of the Guard ceremony. It’s like the one at Buckingham Palace but with better stonework and fewer tourists trying to climb on things. Red tunics, bearskin hats, inexplicable levels of stoicism — you know the drill.

There are over 1,000 rooms in Windsor Castle. No one knows what’s in all of them. Probably a mix of priceless art, forgotten coronation teacups, and at least one unfortunate corgi who wandered off during the 80s.

Speaking of corgis, Queen Elizabeth II loved bringing her dogs here. They had their own dedicated room and menu. Somewhere, a golden retriever in Reading is furious.

The castle also boasts the largest and oldest inhabited dollhouse in the world. Queen Mary’s Dolls’ House is an architectural masterpiece, with working plumbing, electricity, and even tiny wine bottles filled with real booze. It’s basically Downton Abbey meets The Borrowers.

In the castle’s State Apartments, you’ll find walls lined with works by Rembrandt, Rubens, and Van Dyck. The kind of collection that makes your local gallery’s poster of Monet’s Water Lilies look like a GCSE art project.

Then there’s the Waterloo Chamber, which sounds like a forgotten tube station but is actually a room full of paintings commissioned to commemorate the defeat of Napoleon. Subtle.

Windsor Castle has its own moat garden, although the moat hasn’t held water since the Middle Ages. It’s now a rather pretty flower bed, which is both charming and the least threatening moat in military history.

The Royal Standard flag flies over the castle when the monarch is in residence. When it’s down, you know the King has popped out — probably to Sandringham, Balmoral, or to pick up something from Waitrose.

Back in the day, it wasn’t all ceremonial grandeur. Henry VIII used Windsor Castle as a hunting lodge. Because nothing screams rustic getaway like 5,000 tonnes of stone and an army of servants.

During the Restoration, Charles II decided Windsor needed a bit more pizzazz and refitted the interiors in lavish Baroque style. Think velvet, gold leaf, and enough mirrors to make a Vegas magician blush.

At one point, the castle was home to the Royal Library, which includes manuscripts, drawings, and rare books collected over centuries. Among the treasures: Leonardo da Vinci’s anatomical sketches and Shakespeare’s First Folio. Your local library’s got a dog-eared copy of Twilight.

Tourists love Windsor Castle, but it’s also a working royal hub. It hosts state visits, formal dinners, and enough diplomatic handshakes to give your wrist cramp.

One of the most curious quirks? The so-called Norman Gate Clock. It doesn’t have a face, only a single hand, and it runs slightly fast. Why? Because according to palace lore, it’s better for guests to be early than for royalty to be late. No pressure.

During WWI, the royal family changed their name from the very German-sounding House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha to the very English-sounding House of Windsor. The castle lent its name to the rebrand. Basically, Windsor Castle did PR before PR was a thing.

Even now, Windsor plays host to the Royal Windsor Horse Show, an event where horse people show other horse people just how fancy horses can be. It’s like Paris Fashion Week, but everyone’s wearing jodhpurs.

And finally, if you’re visiting Windsor Castle, don’t forget the Long Walk. It’s a straight, tree-lined path stretching three miles from the castle gates to the Copper Horse statue of George III. It’s also where the royal carriages make their big moment at weddings. Just try not to imagine how often it needs mowing.

Windsor Castle isn’t just old bricks and crown polish. It’s Britain in stone form — eccentric, gilded, stubbornly traditional, occasionally on fire, and just a little bit smug. And honestly, wouldn’t you be, if you’d lasted this long?