The Habsburg Empire: A Tale of Conquests, Royal Blunders, and an Unfortunate Jawline

The Habsburg Empire was a masterclass in dynasty-building, eccentric rule, and questionable decision-making. For centuries, it dominated European politics, thanks to a mix of strategic marriages, military power, and an unwavering belief in its own divine right to rule. This was a family that shaped history, not always wisely, but certainly memorably. From botched assassinations to emperors who fled at the first sign of trouble, the Habsburgs provided enough drama to fill an entire library of historical soap operas.

One of their most famous legacies was their jawline. The infamous Habsburg chin was the result of generations of intermarriage—because why expand your gene pool when you can keep everything in the family? By the time Charles II of Spain took the throne, the dynasty’s commitment to keeping things really close had led to a ruler who could barely chew or speak properly. His tongue was so large it caused a speech impediment, and his inbreeding was so extreme that he was described as looking as though he were “walking death.” Unsurprisingly, he died without an heir, taking the Spanish Habsburgs down with him.

Marrying well was the Habsburgs’ secret weapon, and they wielded it like a master swordfighter. The saying Bella gerant alii, tu felix Austria nube—”Let others wage war, you, fortunate Austria, marry”—was basically their family motto. Maximilian I kicked off this tradition by marrying Mary of Burgundy in 1477, which handed him one of the richest regions in Europe. His grandson Philip married Joanna of Castile, securing Spain and its vast empire. Who needed battlefields when you could conquer through wedding vows? It worked so well that the Habsburgs ended up ruling not just Austria and Spain, but large swaths of Italy, the Netherlands, and even parts of the New World.

Of course, not every diplomatic effort went smoothly. The Defenestration of Prague in 1618 was one of the more creative ways in which people expressed their discontent with Habsburg rule. A group of angry Protestant nobles stormed Prague Castle and threw two imperial officials out of a window. The Catholics later claimed the men survived because angels broke their fall. Protestants were less poetic, pointing out that they landed in a conveniently placed dung heap. Either way, the event ignited the Thirty Years’ War, which left much of Central Europe in ruins. By the time the war ended, eight million people had died, and the Habsburgs were left scrambling to maintain control.

Maria Theresa, one of the most formidable Habsburg rulers, had to fight for her throne the moment she inherited it. Her father, Emperor Charles VI, had spent years convincing Europe to accept his daughter as ruler. The moment he died, everyone promptly ignored that agreement and tried to carve up her empire. Instead of panicking, Maria Theresa rode into Hungary wearing a dazzling coronation dress, gave an impassioned speech in Latin, and had the Hungarian nobles so moved that they swore absolute loyalty to her on the spot. She not only survived but went on to reform the military, revamp the economy, and have sixteen children—because apparently running an empire wasn’t demanding enough. One of those children was Marie Antoinette, whose eventual trip to the guillotine would be yet another dark chapter in the Habsburg family history.

Few Habsburgs ruled as long as Franz Joseph, who sat on the throne for 68 years. He was famously disciplined, waking up at 4 AM every day and personally responding to government papers with meticulous notes. Even as his empire began to unravel, he remained determined to keep up appearances, stating, “Everything is falling apart, but at least the post is functioning.” It’s hard not to admire that level of bureaucratic commitment. His wife, Empress Elisabeth (better known as Sisi), was the complete opposite—restless, fiercely independent, and deeply unhappy with court life. She spent much of her time travelling, avoiding the rigid formality of the Habsburg court, and eventually met a tragic end when she was assassinated by an Italian anarchist in 1898.

His nephew, Franz Ferdinand, had the dubious honour of being assassinated in the most preventable way possible. The first attempt on his life—a grenade—failed. Later, while he was travelling through Sarajevo, his driver took a wrong turn and accidentally stopped in front of Gavrilo Princip, the assassin who had given up on his mission and was just grabbing a sandwich. Princip took his chance, shot the archduke, and the resulting chaos led to World War I. One badly timed U-turn changed the course of history.

Not all Habsburgs stayed in Europe. In the 1860s, the French decided that Mexico needed a European ruler and offered the throne to Maximilian of Austria. He accepted, despite the small issue that most Mexicans didn’t actually want him there. His reign was brief—he was overthrown and executed by firing squad in 1867. Before his death, he politely asked his executioners not to shoot him in the face, as his mother would be upset. It didn’t help. His wife, Empress Carlota, descended into madness after his execution, spending the rest of her life believing she was still Empress of Mexico.

Some Habsburgs, however, found unique ways to retire. Archduke Ludwig Salvator, for instance, had zero interest in ruling and instead dedicated his life to travelling, writing, and collecting railway memorabilia. He lived in Mallorca, surrounded by exotic animals, refusing to marry and preferring a life of adventure over courtly obligations. Not every Habsburg needed a throne to be happy. Another eccentric was Emperor Ferdinand I, who suffered from epilepsy and was considered too intellectually limited to rule. His reign was largely symbolic, and when revolution broke out in 1848, he reportedly declared, “I am the Emperor, and I want dumplings!” before abdicating in favour of Franz Joseph.

By the time World War I ended, so did Habsburg rule. Emperor Karl I, the last ruler of Austria-Hungary, was determined to hold onto his throne. Even after being forced to abdicate in 1918, he made two comically doomed attempts to reclaim the Hungarian crown. Both ended in disaster, and he was eventually exiled to the island of Madeira, where he died in obscurity. The once-mighty empire was dismantled, leaving Austria a much smaller and humbler nation.

The Habsburgs may no longer rule, but their legacy is impossible to ignore. They left behind grand palaces, legendary scandals, and an endless supply of stories that make European history infinitely more entertaining. Few families have shaped history quite like they did—sometimes with brilliance, sometimes with baffling decisions, but always with undeniable flair. And while their political power may have faded, their family name still lingers in European aristocratic circles, ensuring that the Habsburg saga remains one of history’s most fascinating and bizarre dynastic tales.